Why I chose to Be Child Free

 I used to have a blog called "The Spinster Years".  I was young, and in my early 20's. I never thought men thought of me as something as desirable, or dateable. So, I was content to live my life, in the middle of nowhere, making beer and cheese to survive on. I was content to fact that I may never marry or have children. I was okay with it. 

I met my Husband the first time in September of 2009. Online dating was still very taboo, and new at that point. Apps like Tinder or Grinder or Bumble didn't exist. There were websites like match.com, eharmony, and plenty of fish. That's where I met my Husband, on Plenty of Fish (When it was free). It was in a time where you met your "one" at the grocery store, or high school, or a drunken night at your favorite watering hole. It was long before Covid or even what understanding what a "pandemic" was. I remember when I had my 1st date with my husband, I was so nervous telling my mom that I was going on a 1st date with someone I had met on the internet. "Meet somewhere public, and for the love of God becareful" I can still hear her words in my head. "You call me when you get there, and when you're on your way home, so I know you're okay" Back then, meeting someone "online" was risky; dangerous. Not like it is today. 

My Husband and I met for a first time on 09/18/2009. It was at the Waldorf in Hasings, MI. I remember calling my friend Mindy (who had moved to New Jersey) and talking about how nervous I was! I was also early, so I was trying to kill some time LOL. I remember walking in and telling the hostess I was meeting someone named "Dennis" she started to guide me to the back of the restaurant, and a man in a white long sleeve Abercrombie t-shirt stood up.  The long and the short of it was we spent a few months together, and then about 2.5 years apart. I honestly think that we both needed that time to be young, and dumb, and find out who were where and what we wanted. 

"Denny" as I affectionally call him, and I started dating for the last time in February 2012. I was finishing up my Medical Assisting degree from Davenport. We were 27. He is about 2.5 weeks younger than I am. My birthday is January 17th, and his is February 4th. Being with him, as I found out, has been very "natural" and easy. He understands me, and I understand him. After 10 years together he still manages to make me laugh, and vice versa. We got engaged on 11/01/2015.....after I told my parents I wanted to start planning a wedding (and booked the reception venue lol, what can I say, I know what I want. He needed to shit or get off the pot) We married 09/24/2016. It was a beautiful day, and I still hear from guests that it was the best wedding they've been to. Honestly, if you've got good food, and a damn good deejay, it's going to be a good time!

Denny and I started dating, again for the 2nd time, in February 2012, we were 27. At that time, I always thought that I wanted to have children. Not because I really wanted to, but because I thought that that was expected of me. We grow up thinking that our purpose in life is to get married and have children.... especially, if you are a woman. I also have a nephew who was 7 at the time and thought that if I wanted him to have Cousins that he could spend time with, we needed to have children soon. 

The fact of the matter was, that we got married at 31. The older I got the less I wanted to have children, and my Husband felt the same way. By 31, I was content in my schedule and routine, and I didn't want to give that up. I like the fact that Denny and I can plan trips & Vacays; in general, we can plan life, without having to worry about a kid. "What are we going to do with the Kid?" and nap times, and bottle feeding V. Nursing. Will we vaccinate (and that is a solid Yes) the constant worry of keeping them alive for the first few years. Getting through the "terrible Two's" dealing with temper tantrums and seeing them learn the hard lessons in life. Diaper changes, and teaching them to drive, first dances; trying to raise productive members of society that are friendly and personable is a hard job, and it's not for everyone. I commend the people who realize that parenthood is not for them. We didn't want to navigate those hard things a child goes through in life. Not to mention, we didn't want to bring children into the world we live in today. Raising kids today, is not equal to our parents raising us. Times have changed, and we didn't want to deal with that. And, you know what!? That's okay! Parenthood is not for everyone, and I think that the more of us that realize that, the better. How many of you were forced into parenthood when you weren't ready or weren't planning on it. (Yes, I'm pro-choice because your decisions are none of my fucking business. The world is overpopulated enough) 

There are many reasons why we choose not to have children. It sounds selfish, but I love the fact that if I feel like utter shit, that I don't have to go home and take care of a tiny person. I like that I don't have to worry about someone else (because some days it's hard enough to worry about myself). We need to normalize this. Do you know how many conversations I've had where someone asks me if I have children, and when I say no and they say "Any plans of children in the future?" and when I respond no, again, how Awkward it gets? It shouldn't be that way. Not everyone is meant for Parenthood, and that is okay with me. I have plenty of Nephews, and Nieces that I would rather spoil, honestly. My Chanse Richard is the closest thing I will ever have to a kid, and that is Okay. 

On the other end of that, Not that most people would agree, as much as I don't want kids, I still mourn that loss. I do not want kids, but it still makes me sad that I won't get to experience that aspect of life. I won't get to experience pregnancy or being in labor and bringing a human into this world. I'm still allowed to mourn that loss. I fully acknowledge that being a parent is not for me, but that doesn't mean that I came to that conclusion willingly, or from a place of selfishness. I don't throw that thought aside like yesterday's trash. It's still sad for me that I will not experience being a parent in its full fruition. I ask that you don't think that couples who choose to live a child free life are doing so out of selfishness. We're doing so because we realize that we can't give parenthood and raising respectable people our full 100% attention or commitment. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.